Well, ill shall start with my lastest event.

funeral.

today's day three of the funeral.

Gramps admitted into the hospital five days ago.
On the 24th of march 2010 in the afternoon.

He suffered a stroke while eating his lunch
before going back to his poultry stall.

I remembered that was on wednesday.
I had my class during that evening,
in the end im unable to visit him on the first day.

25th march thursday.

mum and i went over to ah ma's house first
as we intend to accompany her to the hospital.
so we arrived at TTSH in searching
for my gramps's ICU ward.

his bed was number eight.
if i could recall.
went inside and looked at him.
Hes plugged with all sorts of tubes all over the place,
during that time he was asleep.

so granny went to woke him up,
telling him that i and my mum arrived.
my mum is the second child of the family,
she got 4 brothers and sisters.

anyway, ah gong responded.
i filled with tears and joy when he tried to speak.
during that situation, he was paralysed on the left side
as his right brain malfunctioned with clogged blood vessels.

Futhermore, he couldnt open his eyes.
but hes aware that we're around
he even spoke to us but i couldnt understand
what hes saying in his dialect without his dentures.

But as what i could feel,
he knows that i came.

I quickly grabbed his warm right hand,
held my hands in his,
looking at his impressionable rosy red cheeks.

he responded by pressing my palm hard repeatedly,
i felt this is one of my happiness of my life,
i got to hold his hands after
so many years of just visual contact.

I would never forget that moment.

I was thinking,
why i didnt hold his hands last time whenever i visited him?
during that time, i thought he was okay, hes gonna recover real fast.
didnt shed a single tear during that time.

But in the end,
this moment of happiness was short-lived.

That was my first and the last time seeing him awake.

26th march 2010 friday.

Went to visit him in the afternoon.
He went into coma during early in the morning.
Mum went to see him in the morning around 9am.
she had to work in the afternoon.
by the time she arrived, hes already in coma i guess.

Dad fetched sis and i over to TTSH in the afternoon,
When we reached, the rest didnt arrived yet.
So we decided to go in and look for him.

When i stood outside the simple thin layer of glass door,
he was sleeping peacefully in his bed,
that was the time i thought he was sleeping,
but actually hes in coma.

when the rest of the family arrived,
we had an meeting with the doctor in charge of my gramps.
he told us that hes in coma now,
hes too weak to undergo for an operation.
frankly, he took his courage to tell every single person in that room,

gramps had only one or two days to live.

For that moment,

the room was filled with silence for at least 30seconds.
he told us to be mentally prepared and see him for the last time.
he told us to prepare for the worst to come.

my hopes on him had dashed,
its like the fear amongst the fears that i had in my life.

after a few minutes of discussion,
the doctor left, my granny started shedding
tears and thanked the doctor.
that was the time im holding back my tears.
so were the rest of the family.

When i stood outside,
waiting for a chance to go inside and
look at him, i thought i could look at him the next day
since the doctor told us he had two days to live.

The moment i stepped in the room,
my granny and sis was inside.
both of them had watery eyes and
i went forward to gramps on his left side.

When granny called gramps
shaking him by his right shoulder.

"ah-hoe", "hoe", "hoe", "...
hoe was my gramps' last name.

he didnt respond.

granny repeated again,

he didnt respond.

That was the moment,
i started my first drop of tear.
i just couldnt control my emotions.
followed by more drops of tears.

i quickly turned behind and took my tissue out to
wipe away those unintentional tears.


that was my last time seeing his heartbeat
still pumping on the display screen.

Labels: my last visit to him when hes alive.